Social anxiety—a major side effect
By Daniel S. Frey

I resumed my college courses this past fall after my first schizophrenic break in July, 1998. Nearly three months after returning to college, I met a smart, sensitive student roughly my age at a campus club. We discovered that we both attended the Bronx High School of Science but never knew each other there. I wanted to tell him about my schizophrenia, but I was hesitant.

Before the onset of my schizophrenia, I paid less attention to a person's ability to accept others for who they are than I do now because I had no major secrets. I eventually told him that I have this illness and he was fascinated, asking me questions about the things I saw and felt when I was psychotic.

I don't know if he truly accepts that I am mentally ill, but at least he didn't reject me because of it. I'm awfully lonely, but I realize that any meaningful relationship takes time. I want a girlfriend, but with my social anxiety, even talking to a girl is difficult. I get so filled with self doubt and my fears build up so much that when I finally have the nerve to talk to a girl, it's usually too late.

I'm still terribly lonely. What am I to do when my fear of social situations prevents me from meeting anyone? With Reuben I felt safe. Maybe that was because I saw in him the same shy, insecure person that is in me.

What are socially isolated people like me to do? I will openly admit that fear of rejection has a lot to do with my social anxiety. When I tell family or friends about these feelings they tell me how good looking I am or how I should have no trouble making friendships, including girlfriends. They see my problem as only my being too quiet and reserved.

They are wrong. It's more than that. Inside me lives a powerful need to be with other people. I believe part of the reason I became schizophrenic has to do with the absence of human contact in my life. Experts say that there's much evidence to support my opinions. But thinking isn't feeling and until I can feel comfortable meeting new people and making new friends, all this understanding just leads to more frustration.

I'm tired of living in my own private world. Do you know what I mean? I need real people in my life instead of fantasies, which I believe made me even more vulnerable to the hallucinations associated with my illness. So where do I turn? What direction do I follow?

Daniel Frey is editor of New York City Voices, a consumer journal for mental health advocacy.